Santa Clav

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Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:53 am

When I started this on a whim, I didn't plan for it to metastasize into such a seemingly endless poetical purgatory. So to refrain from cluttering up our collective zeitgeist which is Hai Guyz, I will attempt to finish it over here, out of the way. Please comment and/or kibbutz, as usual. :grin:


..............................~

'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the forum,
not a synth geek was posting; it was totally boring.

My monitor shined with its cold phosphor glow,
but it answered me not when I asked “Where’d they go?”

I thought, with a facepalm, “This place is so dead,
I’m just lookin for lulz in all the wrong threads.”

Then I said to myself “It’s just that time of year”,
and I settled back comfy, and finished my beer.

When outside the door I heard a big ruckus!
I jumped up and yelled “Holy shit! What the fuckus?”
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:54 am

I logged off NSFW, and yanked up my pants,
and flew to the peephole to see what's askance.

And what did my bloodshot eye percieve?
Well, it's certainly gonna make the neighbors peeved.

I opened the door on my once peacefull 'burb
to behold an old hoopty with three wheels on the curb.

And who do you 'spose stumbled out of that car?
Well, 'twas Santa Clav! Just wandered in from some bar.

He pulled down the window and climbed out the side,
and I turned off the porch light and went back inside.

He peed in the bushes; he belched and he farted,
then he spit on his hands, and he really got started!

He whirled and he danced! Pirouettes and high hops!
I stood at the window, calling the cops.

Then he unwired the trunk, and he pulled out a sack.
That got my attention; I put the phone back.
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:55 am

He huffed and he puffed, and he heaved out that bag,
then he slumped on the bumper and lit up a fag.

He stomped out the butt in my Haibiscus patch,
then he reached around aft for a leisurely scratch.

When he spied me a-staring, he yelled "Don't you worry!
I'll be in and then out; I'm in a big hurry!"

Then he shucked and he jived, and he busted a move.
He whipped out a beatbox and laid down a groove.

The neighbors by this time were soreley offended,
by having their sleepy-time loudly up-ended.

They came out with golf clubs and hammers and guns,
but he charmed 'em, and gave 'em all cinnamon buns.

What manner of wizard was this jolly cat,
with his snowy white mittens and flower pot hat?
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:56 am

He came toward the door, and I said “Just a minute!
That big bulging bag, just exactly what’s in it?”

But he said not a word, just jumped up on the stoop,
and gave me a noogie, and let out a whoop!

He laughed and he winked, and he said “Pull my finger!”
Then he ripped off a toxic nose-burning eye-stinger!

I said “Man! I did not come close to your finger!
How long is this caustic cloud going to linger?”

He said “LOL! That’s a good one! It totally rhymes!”
Then he pressed the doorbell button thirty six times.

So I said “Look here, Dude, I’ve about had enough!”
And he said “But it’s Christmas! The presents! The stuff!”

Then he tossed me his hat, and he said “Do you DEVO?”
I said “Holy shit, when are you gonna LEAVE-O?”

He said “When you see what I have in my pack,
you’ll think you’re in Heaven! You’ll think you’re on crack!

“When I’m through with you, you won’t want me to leave.
I’ll teach you a lesson; I’ll make you believe!”

He sounded convincing. He grinned a big grin.
I probably shouldn’t have, but I let him come in…
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:57 am

He jumped through the door with a hoot and a holler,
he looked in the couch cushions, finding a dollar.

He poked all around in the shelves and the closet,
then he went to the bathroom and made a deposit.

He came back and said “Well, I’ve left a big clog.
But it’s totally festive! Santa Clav’s Yule Log!”

He said “It’s a wonderful place you have here!
The only thing missing’s a couple of beers.”

So I went to the kitchen and got a few Buds,
and I thought “I’m not taking much more of this crud.”

But I had to find out what he had in his sack!
So I opened the bottles, and carried them back.

I found him asleep on the couch with my cat,
curled up in his beard for a long winter’s nap.

I clinked the beer bottles; he awoke with a start!
He blinked, and he stretched, and he cut a big fart.

He grinned and he winked as he guzzled his beer,
And he said “Comfy place… I could stay for a year!”
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:59 am

Then he ran around prodding and prying and poking,
He found some old Camels and started up smoking!

He looked through my desk drawers, opened the cabinets,
he looked up my internet visiting habits!

He fingered my grandmother’s daguerreotype,
then he cut some more cheese; oh man, was it ripe!

He said “Pull my finger!” I scrambled for cover.
“Just kidding! My beer’s empty; let’s havanother!”

I said ”Now look here, this has gone far enough!
I don’t mean to be surly, but you’re making me gruff!”

“I’ve put up with lots, ‘cause I’m totally curious,
but I can’t take much more! Dude, you’re making me furious!”

Well, he shook his head sadly, and sighed a great sigh,
and he said ”For a muso, you’re a crotchety guy.”

“You’re excessively grouchy. You’re really no fun.
I’ve tried to be friendly but I’m pretty much done.

“If you don’t want the company, I get the hint.
I guess I’ll just tell you, then, why I was sent.”

So I thought “This is it! Now we’re getting somewhere!”
I sat all aflutter on the edge of my chair...
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Sun Dec 19, 2010 2:04 am

“Don't you wonder why my name is Santa Clav?
It’s cause I love keyboards and music and jazz.

“I love it so much I’ve got mystical powers!
I’m rockin the Mojo for hours and hours.

“I’m not just a weirdo in boots and white mittens,
I’ll be leaving you something you won’t be forgettin!”

So I said “Now you’re talking! I’ll bring in the bag!
I’ve been dying to crack it, but I don’t want to nag.”

He said “Screw the bag! That’s just dirty socks.
What I have don’t come in a package or box.”

He said “Where’s my hat? There, your dog’s chewing on it.
That won’t hurt a thing, since it's got spells upon it.

“Just wipe off the slobber, put it down on your lap.
Now just reach inside. No, go farther than that.”

I stuck my hand in, but I couldn’t touch bottom!
“Go ahead, reach in further! You want em, I got em!”

I went to the elbow. He said “Now, be bolder!”
So I stuck my arm all the way in to the shoulder!

And I pulled out some lint. I said “What’s this crappo?”
He said “What a noob. Toss me that chapeau.”

Well, he rolled up his sleeve, and he reached down inside.
What did he pull out? Well, I nearly died!
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Sun Dec 19, 2010 7:12 pm

He tossed me a package. I was totally shocked;
A MiniMoog D! In the box! New old stock!

He said “That's a great synth for basses and leads,
but this Jupiter 8’s great for padular needs.”

I said “Wow, thanks!” He said “No, wait, there’s more...
Have a Jupiter 6 and a Jupiter 4!”

Then out came a big giant modular Moog!
He pulled out a Taurus! He pulled out a Rouge!

And just when it couldn’t become more bizarre;
A Moog Liberation! “That ain’t no KEYTAR!”

“And just so you’ll know why they call me ‘The Clav’,
here’s a Clavinet, something I think you should have.”

Then I thought that my balance would certainly falter;
a Buchla that’s signed by both Wendy and Walter!

And just when I thought my knees couldn’t get weaker,
a B3 with not one but two Leslie speakers!

...
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Tomkeen » Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:14 pm

Sheer genius :D
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:32 am

:blush:
.
.
..........................
~

He just kept them coming; I couldn't keep track!
I won't even list them, 'cause I can't be exact.

At least ten of each brand, every one that I've heard of,
and a dozen more one-offs that I’d never had word of.

I couldn’t keep up; I needed more hands!
So he pulled out a truckload of new keyboard stands!

Then he said “Well that’s it, now I gotta mosey.”
I said “No piano? I’d fancy a Bosey.”

“Dude” he said, “don’t try to fracture my back!
Now yer busting my balls! Yer breakin my sack!”

“I think you’ve made out pretty well this fine night.
To bring you this stuff, it took all of my might!

“If you think that I came just to give you some gifts,
if that’s all it takes for your spirits to lift…

“Then that’s fine, that’s all right, we can leave it at that.
I know you’ll be happy; these synths are all phat!”

So I said “Yeah, I’m a lucky sumbitch,
to get all this wonderful stuff with no hitch.

"I mean, yeah you’re right! It’s a wonderful batch!”
He said “Then I’m done. There’s just one little catch...”

...
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby BonsoWonderDog » Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:57 am

Are you seriously just making this all up as you go?
DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:34 am

Well, I can't say I'm seriously doing anything, but, yeah... I don't know where I'd go to copy something like this. :idk:

Hey...what's that, a tranq rifle? :eek:
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby BonsoWonderDog » Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:59 am

Impressive. You should get on the Late Show or something......
DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Mon Dec 20, 2010 9:46 am

I couldn't compete with those guys. I don't know how those writers do that, coming up with 15 or 20 mins of new stuff every night. I'd love to be able to write for Letterman, though. He's an Indianoplace boy, too.

Or, I'd like to write like Vonnegut. He, too, is from my hometown. Now, what else did those two have in common...?

Oh, yeah... they gtfo of here. :facepalm:

If anyone around here breaks out as a big tyme author, it'll be Metro. He writes novels n biting satirical social commentary n shit.

Oooo... God help Fleet Street if he gets ADD medz...

But, thanks! :wave:
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby BonsoWonderDog » Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:12 pm

Stop sucking up to the mod, dude.

If Metro's satirical social commentary bit me, I'd bite that sucker back.

:)
DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Tue Dec 21, 2010 1:54 am

.
.
..........................
~


So I yelled “HA! I knew it! You work for the Devil!
I thought this was flakey! It ain’t on the level!”

He said “Take it easy! This isn’t demonic!
You’ll rupture a vein! You’ll go catatonic!

“My powers don’t come from some Pit underground,
they just come from the Magical Musical Sound!”

“Then you don’t want my firstborn? My soul isn’t due?
Well, you’ve got me stumped. So, what is it with you?”

“It’s just one little thing. I just wanna hear
any chunes that you might have created this year.”

Oh.

“Uh, ya know, for a while now I’ve been really busy.
The Wife and the Kids and the Job keep me dizzy.”

“Nothing fancy”, he said, “Just a track, or a noodle.
A half-finished grove, a sketch or a doodle.”

“Well, I’ve got some ideas for some pretty good tunes,
but… I’m no good with lyrics…Hey, what rhymes with moon?”

But he didn’t laugh; he just looked at me sadly.
He said “I’m not sure that you need new gear badly.”

...
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby ClavAnother » Tue Dec 21, 2010 2:45 am

:cry:
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby Plink Floyd » Tue Dec 21, 2010 4:22 am

:lol: Don't cry yet, that's just the pre-climax.
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby MetroSonus » Tue Dec 21, 2010 4:39 am

Stop sucking up to the mod, dude.

If Metro's satirical social commentary bit me, I'd bite that sucker back.


Owner of the site, big difference :cop: And no, you can never suck up enough. :lol:

The only people I rage against are the ones that are simply satisfied with quantity over quality or just dumb enough to take what they're given and not ask questions.

If anyone around here breaks out as a big tyme author, it'll be Metro. He writes novels n biting satirical social commentary n shit.

Oooo... God help Fleet Street if he gets ADD medz...


I'm gonna try. I figure I have to bottle what's going on in here somehow and once it hits 88 MPH, we'll see some serious shit.

On a serious note, I talked for quite a while with the psychologist we work with for my son, who has ADD. She said it doesn't sound like ADD, but depression. My problem is that my job can really be monotonous and I seem to get stuck in a loop and I can't get out of it. So I guess i'll have to talk to someone about that instead. On the upside, all of this is perfectly normal, apparently. There's a thought.
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Re: Santa Clav

Postby ElectricPuppy » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:00 am

Everyone shutup, I'm trying to hear Uncle Plinky tell his stories!! THEN WHAT HAPPENED, UNCLE PLINKY?? :grin: :grin: :grin:

*slurps milk*

*eats cookie*

:snax:
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